Midnight Train to New Orleans
by LadyofDodge
Summary: That's not why I left, Matt." "Tell me, Kitty, just why did you leave? I've always wondered." An ATC for "Return to Dodge."


**MIDNIGHT TRAIN TO NEW ORLEANS**

**ATC for**_** Return to Dodge**_

"MATT!" A cry in the dark night.

He stopped in the street and turned uncertainly toward the upstairs window of the Dodge House. Tears—tears for which he once more bore responsibility—rolled down her face and shimmered in those incredible blue eyes. But behind the tears, illuminated by the lamplight, steadfast love glowed in those blue depths.

"Matt." A whisper now. Her chin lifted. An encouraging smile.

He gave an almost imperceptible nod and moments later his big frame filled the doorway of the hotel room.

"Kitty." Hardly a word. More like a breath that caught in his throat. Almost a prayer.

One long step inside and then the door closed behind him.

Her own trembling legs took one step toward him.

Another.

He took another, too.

Long arms reached out to her. She moved into them and nestled there like a lost child who had been found at last.

"Kitty, are you all right?"

Scrapes and bruises were prominent on her pale face, but she smiled valiantly up at him. "I'm fine, Matt—now."

"Kitty…I, I…" The big body swayed and his face turned white beneath its tan. Sweat beaded his forehead and upper lip.

"Matt, you need to rest. Three weeks ago the doctor didn't expect you to live, and the minute you're out of bed you go riding all over God-only-knows-where trying…" She stopped, tempering her comments by slipping an arm around his waist and guiding him toward the bed. "Lie down here and try to get some sleep."

"I'm all right, Kitty. Just a little dizzy. Can't sleep…not now…need…" he mumbled as his head hit the pillow. "Stay?"

She smiled, thinking that some things never changed, and tenderly cupped his cheek in her palm. "Sleep, Matt. I'll stay."

She tugged at the stubborn boots until they gave way. He was already asleep, and her slender fingers deftly unbuckled the gun belt and laid it on the bedside table. Unfolding the comforter from its place at the foot of the bed, she pulled it over the exhausted man and again stroked his cheek.

Then she poured a generous glass of bourbon from the bottle on the table, blew out the lamp and curled herself into the chair in the corner of the room to wait.

She must have fallen asleep, for next thing she knew, the chilly night air was blowing in through the pane-less window, causing the lace curtains to perform a ghostly dance in the dark room. She shivered violently as both the cold and the day's events caught up with her.

She rose from the chair and looked down at the giant of a man spread-eagled on the bed.

Matt. The man she had loved beyond all reason for nearly her entire life...still did, no matter how hard she tried to pretend—to convince herself—otherwise.

Shivering again, she downed another drink--both for the warmth and for the courage-- kicked off her shoes and eased gingerly into the narrow space left on the bed. As she slid beneath the plain gray comforter, the big man rolled over and buried his weathered face into the soft curve of her neck.

******

The sun was just clearing the horizon when Matt finally stirred, his morning stubble catching on the soft silk of her shirtwaist. He shifted slightly, turning his face deeper into her softness, inhaling the faint lavender scent that was still uniquely hers.

At the movement, her arm tightened around him. "Morning, Cowboy. Feeling better?"

"Mmmm. You really did stay."

"I told you I would. I was in the chair, but I got cold….the window…you know, so I…I thought I'd…get into the…the bed. And then I…I fell asleep…"

He chuckled, his mouth grazing the creamy fabric covering her breast as his lips stretched into a smile, "I've never known you to stammer before, Kitty."

"I'm a little nervous here, Matt," she defended softly.

At that, he lifted his head and pushed himself up to look directly into her face. "No need to be nervous, Kit. I'm glad you're here…_right_ here," he emphasized.

"Oh, Matt. There's so much I need to say…so much to explain, to…"

"Shhh….No explanations needed, at least not right now. I just want…need…to hold you. If it's all right?" The little boy smile she never could resist found its way through the deep crevasses of his face, working its old familiar magic and warming her in a way no quilt or whiskey ever could.

She nodded, her own smile giving fair competition to the rising sun.

They took a moment more to revel in the look and feel of each other. Then his lips, warm and soft as ever, pressed hers, tentative at first, then bolder, until at last his tongue pressed against her teeth, and she allowed him to explore the sweet, moist recesses he never had expected to know again.

His lips traveled over her eyelids and brushed her temple. A work-roughened thumb caressed her cheek and traced her mouth, while his own mouth traveled down her throat to rest in the soft hollow at the base of her neck. He pushed the soft lace of her shirtwaist aside and nuzzled his face into the sensitive flesh hidden beneath it.

Through their layers of clothing she felt his body's response—instant and insistent—to the feel, the taste of her. He slipped one huge hand behind her back and urged her closer.

She tightened her arms around him and slid one hand tenderly down the long length of his back. The warmth emanating from his body, the touch of his hand caressing her breast through the thin fabric of her blouse, drew moans of pleasure from deep in her throat.

Those moans, coupled with the strong arch of her back and the sweet taste of her skin sent his senses reeling and he began to move against her in a frenzy of desire he hadn't allowed himself to know in years.

Suddenly she pushed her hand hard against his chest. "No, Matt…stop!"

Stunned, he tore his mouth from the hollow of her throat. "I'm sorry, Kitty… I, I thought you wan…"

"I do, Matt. I do…so very, very much. But not here. Not in this room…not in this bed…where _h_e was. I…I'm staying in my old room at the Long Branch. Let's go home, Cowboy."

******

Arms wrapped around each other, they crossed the empty street in silence, each lost in memories of other times and other dawns. Once inside the sheltering warmth of the familiar old room, Matt lit a lamp and grinned sheepishly at the woman he loved. "I really am sorry, Kitty. I shouldn't have done that, but you were so near…and it's been so damned long."

"So long that a few more minutes won't make any difference," she answered as she poured two drinks from the bottle she had carried with her from the Dodge House.

She handed one of the glasses to Matt and sat down beside him on the worn velvet settee. "Here, have a drink on Will Mannon."

He cocked an eyebrow and looked at her.

"It's not as if he paid for it or anything…and it's the best stock the Long Branch has to offer. I'll say this for the bastard…he did have good taste."

"Yeah," he said, the expression in his eyes making it clear he wasn't referring to just the whiskey. "Just why _did_ you go to his room, Kitty—what in God's name were you thinking?"

She stared into the amber liquid, not answering.

"Hannah said he sent a message that he wanted to see you. She said you didn't hesitate, just walked across the street as if visiting a killer in his hotel room was a normal thing. Surely you knew he was dangerous. How could you be so foolish?"

She pressed her lips tight in an effort not to say anything she would regret later. Finally, she spoke softly, "I don't need to explain my actions to you, Matt Dillon, b…but I will because there are a few things you should know."

"I did go to his room last night. And maybe it was foolish. But I'd do it again in a heartbeat because…because I did it for you. I stupidly thought I could reason with him or, failing that, put enough doubt in his mind to…to throw him off his game…at least enough to give you an even chance…just like the last time."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I've seen for myself how fast he is…was. And how—ruthless. You're fast, Matt, and you're good; you're among the best there is—you always were—but Mannon was faster. And killing men for sport isn't in your blood…you don't know how to do that. He'd have killed you for sure."

"Kitty…"

"There's more. I…I wanted to see him dead. Even after all these years." She took a deep breath and looked directly into his eyes. "I know better than anyone how dangerous he was—how diabolical. He…he raped me, Matt."

He reached for her, his expression a mix of concern and incredulity. "Kitty, I… Dear God, are you all right? Let's get you over to see the doctor."

"No, I don't mean now, not last night…eighteen years ago."

"Kit…I…I never knew. Why didn't you tell me? Territorial prison was too good for him. I'd have made sure the bast…that he was dead."

"That's why…that's why I never told you. I swore Doc to secrecy. And Sue, too. Far as I know, they're the only ones who ever knew, except for Mannon and me, of course. I knew you'd go after him if you found out. And I knew he most likely would kill you.

I just couldn't…couldn't let that happen. Not then, and not last night."

"How could I have been so blind not to notice, Kitty?" He paused a moment and then continued. "Was I really that…oblivious?"

He stretched one long arm along the back of the settee, just barely brushing her shoulders, and she leaned her head back against the solid comfort of his forearm and sighed. "No, you weren't 'oblivious,'Matt, but you _were_ away a lot. You left for Wichita immediately, and by the time you came back I was fi…I was all right."

Her words were gentle and not at all accusatory. Still they stung because he recognized them as the truth.

"I...I don't know what to say. Seems as if I was never around when you needed me the most. I…I'm sorry, Kitty." His voice dropped to a whisper. "It's no wonder you left."

She stopped him before his self-recriminations could go any farther. "It doesn't matter… not after all this time."

"It does to me."

She shook her head. "That's not why I left, Matt." This time her own voice was barely a whisper.

He twisted to face her. "Tell me, Kitty, just why did you leave? I've always wondered."

She smiled sadly. "Because I loved you. That night, I…I saw you lying there in the street…again; saw your blood soaking into the dirt…again. I watched the good men of this town carry you up to Doc's office…again. And I watched Doc cut you open and take a bullet out of you…again. How many times, Matt, how many times was I supposed to stand by and watch the man I loved cheat death?"

She paused, but he knew she wasn't expecting an answer and he waited silently for the litany of his transgressions to continue.

"I'm sorry, Matt, maybe I shouldn't have left without talking to you first, without explaining. But it just would have been a lot of conversation with the same result. I knew you weren't going to change." She smiled and tenderly caressed his arm. "You still haven't changed, baby. You're still fighting and shooting and trying to rid the world of injustice."

This time he did speak and his voice was filled with years of regret. "I'm sorry, Kitty, sorry I never could be the man you wanted me to be."

"Oh, Matt. You have nothing to apologize for. You're exactly the man I wanted you to be. And you're exactly the man I wanted. It's just that all the things I love most about you are the same things that make you so damned frustrating."

They gazed into the clear blue depths of each other's eyes, apologies silently made and accepted, the long years that had separated them melting away in the tender warmth of their smiles.

Kitty rose from the sofa and re-filled their glasses. "It feels so good—so right—to be here with you again. There are a lot of wonderful memories in this room, Matt. Oh, we had our moments, but…"

He chuckled. "Yeah...like the fight we had when I had to go to Topeka and  
couldn't take you to the Ford County Sociable...how you kept yanking dresses out of your closet and yelling at me they weren't just dresses to you, but disappointments."

She handed him a glass and pushed at his shoulder. "You would bring that one up, wouldn't you? Maybe I did over-react a bit that time."

His lips smiled slightly, but his eyes were filled with remorse. "Or maybe it's just one more example of how I was never around for things that were important to you, Kitty. I swear I wanted to be, but then something always came up, and I…."

"Stop beating yourself up, Matt. What happened happened and we can't change it. What's important is what we do now—where we go from here."

"And where might that be? The other day you said I was out from under your fingernails and it was going to stay that way. Then, just a minute ago you said 'love,' not 'loved.' Does that mean you still do…that you still care?" He looked so hopeful she nearly laughed.

She nestled into his strong embrace and lifted her face to his. "Always, Matt. I couldn't stop caring, couldn't stop loving you even if I wanted to. And, believe me, I don't want to." Taking a deep breath, she looked at him. "I want…in spite of the fact that I was the one to leave, I still want to be with you. Matt…tell me not to get on that train tonight."

"Kitty, with all my heart, that's what I want to tell you, but I…I can't. What happened with Mannon is proof enough that you're not safe anywhere near me. And there are plenty of others out there just like him. I don't know who they are or where they are, but one day they'll find me, and when they do, I need for them to find me alone. It's my fight, Kitty, not yours, not anyone else's."

She laced her fingers through his. "Matt, if Mannon really wanted to get me, he'd have found me in New Orleans. It would have been a little more difficult for him, would have taken him a little longer, but he'd have found me."

He took a deep breath and pulled her against him. "Maybe...but there are so many others. You have no idea the hours I've spent thinking about you…about us…and the plans I've tried to work out…ways for us to be together. I've even gone so far as to consider going away to some place new, where no one knows either of us. Like…oh, I don't know…east…Pennsylvania, maybe, or all the way west…San Francisco or Seattle. I mean, not as Matt Dillon and Kitty Russell, but with new identities."

He tightened his arms around her and continued. "But we'd be no better than common criminals living on the run, jumping at every knock on the door, imagining enemies lurking in shadows…no, that's not what I want for either of us, honey."

She jumped on his words. "Listen to yourself, Matt. You've spent so many years living and thinking as a lawman you've forgotten how to live and think as a regular man. A long time ago you said you didn't think they'd let you live to old age. But you have. So live, Matt…live! Don't hide out in the mountains fishing and hunting for food, trapping and trading and venturing into town when you need supplies or a little cash. The world's not such a bad place. Come back into it and enjoy the years that have been given to you…to us."

"That's what I want to do, Kit, more than anything in this world, but I'm afraid," he buried his lips in her bright curls, "for you."

"Please…stop worrying about what _might_ happen and enjoy what _is_ happening." She pressed his huge hand against her heart, and reached out to touch her own palm against his left chest. "For once in your life, Matt, think with your heart, not with your head."

"I did, Kitty, I thought with my heart a long time ago. Way back then…my head told me not to get involved, but my heart refused to listen. And…and I've never regretted our time together…not for so much as a second."

"Ah, Matt, that's one of the sweetest things you've ever said to me. But…but it sounds awfully final." She stood, taking his hand and pulling him up with her. "Now, it seems to me we started something across the street we were going to finish over here." Reaching her arms around his waist, she hugged him close.

He grinned. "I was beginning to think you'd forgotten. But are you sure about this, Kitty? I want you more than you could ever know, but we don't have to…"

Sliding her hands inside his shirt, she interrupted softly, "Matt, I've spent twelve years wishing for one more time in your arms. No way am I going to let this chance pass me by. No matter what happens later, I want to have this time with you…slow and loving and sweet enough to last a lifetime."

******

Early afternoon shadows were dancing on the walls by the time Matt shifted his weight and whispered, "You all right?"

She started to nod against his chest and stopped. "No…I'm not all right. That was wonderful and magical as ever, but…it was good-bye, wasn't it?"

"Kitty, I…"

She pressed a well-manicured finger against his lips. "No, don't say it. So long as you don't say it, it isn't real."

They lay quietly, touching, sharing tender kisses, enjoying the pure pleasure of being together again. As Kitty's slender hands moved over his broad back, she traced the scars of old wounds...bullets, knives, an arrow...she knew each one so well, had memorized its contours and its significance long ago. Leaning away a bit, her hands continued their exploration over his still muscular chest. Here, too, was further evidence of his long years as a lawman. Again, her fingers traced each scar, but stopped to tenderly concentrate on two in particular. One so near his heart, faded and smooth now...the one that had sent her away. The other, low on his side, ugly and raw...the one that had brought her back.

Her eyes stung with tears she refused to shed as she once again realized how much she loved this man...scars and flaws and all...all that he meant to her and all that was about to slip away.

He spoke quietly, his breath warm against her neck. "I…I want you to know, I'm a better person for having you in my life. You…you always gave me your strength when I was hurt or…or uncertain. I couldn't have done it without you, honey…not without you by my side."

She turned to look into his eyes as she spoke. "That's true for me, too, Matt. I was a scared and jaded kid when I arrived in this town. And I already had seen more of the ugly side of life than most people see in a lifetime. Then the biggest and best looking man I ever saw smiled and was kind to me. And in that moment my life began to turn around. Your love, your belief in me, gave me the courage—the strength—to become a confidant and self-reliant woman in a man's world."

He spoke against her temple. "I should leave now, Kit…I need to make a full report to Newly about last night, and…and," his hand gestured toward the open trunks and clothing scattered throughout the room, "it appears you still have packing to do."

His big hands gently traced the still beautiful curves of her body, memorizing them for all eternity. Then he gathered her tighter than he ever had before and took her lips in a long, slow kiss. "I won't come to the depot, no public good-byes…just like always."

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She wrapped the sheet around herself and sat against the brass headboard as she had so many times before, watching him pull on his clothes.

He buckled his gun belt, picked up his hat and opened the door, pausing at the threshold. "It's not because I don't love you, Kitty. It's because I do."

******

The meeting with Newly was quick, the report simple and straight forward. As the two men shook hands, the younger man spoke quietly, "You'll be leaving tonight with Miss Kitty?"

The former marshal scowled, but said nothing.

Undaunted, Newly continued. "It's none of my business, sir, but I know I'd give anything on this earth for another chance with the only woman I ever loved."

"Newly…" It was almost a growl, but the younger man threw off the deference of their former relationship and persisted.

"Marshal, we Irish have a saying about living to comb gray hair. God has given you and Miss Kitty a gift Patricia and I never had. He's given you _time_, Marshal. He's given you time to love each other, time to grow old together. Don't throw that gift away, sir…for both your sakes."

Matt stared hard at the young lawman, nodded curtly and walked out the door.

******

The eastbound train was scheduled to leave Dodge City exactly at midnight, and Hannah and Newly insisted on going along to the depot to see her off. Hannah's kindly arms went around her friend, "You know you have a home here any time, honey. Don't be a stranger now."

Kitty's sad eyes scanned the platform, but save for the lone drifter huddled among the packing crates and barrels in the shadows of the brick wall, the three of them were alone.

"I know that, Hannah, and if you ever visit New Orleans, you have a place to stay." She turned to the man with the badge on his chest. "You, too, Newly. I'd love to show you my beautiful city." She turned her cheek for his kiss and moved toward the train.

As she did so, the drifter rose to his full height, and incredibly long legs propelled him toward her. "I tried to…stay away, but…couldn't. Had to say…one last time…I love you, Kit…forever."

They stood silently for several moments, each lost in remembrances too sweet, emotions too raw to be spoken.

As the last "ALL ABOARD" was called, she quickly stripped off her gloves and raised soft hands to touch his weathered face, thumbing away the twin tears that spilled from blue eyes filled with regret. "Me, too, Cowboy…I'll always treasure the love we shared…forever."

Then she squared her shoulders and regally swept up the two steps onto the train.

As she walked away, Matt heard Doc Adams' voice ring out to him as clearly as if the cantankerous old physician were standing beside him. _"You're a danged fool."_

Hannah and Newly raised their hands in a final good-bye to Kitty and turned to their friend. As if echoing Doc's long ago words, the saloon keeper spoke her mind, "You're a damned fool, Matt Dillon."

Newly, too, spoke into the darkness. "It's not too late to comb gray hair together, sir—think you can still hop a train?"

"By golly, Newly, we're about to find out," he called over his shoulder, and loped toward the train just as it began to roll out of the station. He ran along the tracks for several yards until he was swallowed up in the black behemoth's trail of steam. When the air finally cleared, the two still standing at the station breathed a sigh of relief and hugged each other as they saw the former lawman grab the iron railing of the caboose and, with the help of the trainman, heft his big body over the restraining bar and onto the rear platform.

The End


End file.
